How's yours?

1 Syawal 1430

This is the first time I'm celebrating Eidul Fitr at home. For the past 20+ years that I can remember, at this time of the year, I'll be lying on the bed because of crucial headache after eating a lot of homemade lemang and ketupat. And I'll be wearing my new baju Raya almost the whole day and sometimes I wore them to sleep. And then, everybody else will be in front of the TV to watch filem Melayu they're showing for Raya Specials. Atok will be alone watching RTM in the living room eating kuih raya and looking at the ants eating his kuih raya. And last year, after so many years, I got to play bunga api again! Weee.

But this year is so much different.

Arwah Atok is no longer with us. Mmy is not here. And for the first time in my life, I woke up to the takbir of first Syawal alone in Mmy's bed. I once told Teh that I could write a blog about my 43days of home alone in Ramadhan but it's not about those 43 days that have changed my life. It's those few days I was left by myself that made me think and realize that I am actually living a real life. Real ordinary everyday people's life.

I learnt a lot from my experience and a lot more from other people's experiences. After a while of observing and thinking to myself, and discussing with other (experienced) people, I've decided to let it out. To make things straight and clear once and for all. Some say I am being disturbed by the scenario and it's partly true. I'm actually more disturbed thinking of the scenario after. So I prayed for everything went well and I did it. Some say I did a good deed in Ramadhan. The other congratulate and calmed me by saying that I'd done the right thing. I pat myself at the back and said to myself that everything will be better. I'm happy thinking about it. That's how I've always been all this while. Other people first. I'll come after.

I know. I've realized it sometime ago. Just when I feel like ignoring that person, I'll be saying to myself that he/she deserves another chance to be helped. Not like I'm really 'helping' them, but I believe I'm easing some of their difficulties, somehow.

But we can only pray, wish and hope for the best. Unfortunately, the bright side is not always on ours. I'm being misunderstood and because it was me who pointed at the black dot, the others who I discussed with about the dot of course did not get the blame. Oh, well. Serves me right. Why didn't I just be selfish like most of the people around me? Maybe I should start now.

Mmy just called. And ever since she's been gone, that was the first time I heard her voice. And I suddenly realized that I am literally alone in this house for Eid Mubarak. Even the cats are outside. And I also realized how I miss her so much. No matter how we argue about that thing you wanted so much that I didn't approve. And how mad you are to me for losing that one cat you love. She will still be there and will always be the one to cheer me up in this silence.

And even though I baked muffins instead of cooking rendang and nasik impit this morning, I would like to thank those who made me feel like I'm part of you. Thanks to you and your family for the beautiful last iftar yesterday. I almost forgot how mom's cooking is always the best. And thanks to you for taking a photo of me with my baju raya. It'll be a proof that Raya will not be complete without a baju raya. And nothing else.

...yes. Because muffin works for me. And love is just a phone call away.

I'll be missing all these.

Salam Eid Mubarak. Maaf Zahir & Batin.

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